This one is for you...
There are literally no words to describe how I am feeling right now. Losing a child is one of the most excruciating pains I've ever had to endure. I was literally shaken to the core after being pumped full of drugs, getting poked by not one, not two, but three needles to administer an IV.
To go from the joys of hearing your heartbeat in the ultrasound room, to being told that my baby doesn't have a heartbeat six weeks later is so surreal. To feel you inside me for 20 weeks; I loved you, protected you, and talked to you before you could ever really comprehend the world. You are still my baby. To feel so robbed of your joy, love and life. To know you were taken all too soon.
The future is all now so unforeseeable.
Yes, this may be one of my darker posts, and if this triggers you, or you think this could never happen to me, I want you to hear me. This voice of mine, filled with pain and love will be loud. You need to hear me, because if I've learned one thing after all this, nothing in life is permanent. There will always be the unforeseen. My wish for you, is that you'll never have to experience this. My wish for you is to not be caught blindsided. A joyful moment being taken so quickly and abruptly. After processing my emotions, and really seeing the numbers behind how often women miscarry or lose their infant before the first year of life, is all too high. One in four women have gone through this. Most of us likely get no answers as to why.
To those who have followed a very similar path as I did, thank you for sharing your stories. It really takes a village, and I am so grateful for the love and support that I didn't think I deserved. I felt like I did something wrong, that I laid on the wrong side while sleeping, that I lifted my two daughter's who are over the weight restriction, or that I was too active in this pregnancy. These are all too common excuses that I am working on putting an end to because these are not the answers. We may never get the answers we need after the testing comes back. The most common reason is that "it is unexplainable."
While we all process grief differently, I have found still connecting with my clients, friends and family is all helping. Surrounding myself by the people who love and care about me, and I am still here to serve you. If this is an experience you've gone through, please do not hesitate to reach out. As awful as this is, mothers need to stick together. As an artist, it still brings me so much joy and love to see my client's love for one another, and families growing, which gives me hope.
